~*The Dramatized Life of me*~

~*The Dramatized Life of me*~

Fallon

[ website | my webpage ]

[ userinfo | insanejournal userinfo ]

[ calendar | insanejournal calendar ]

[12 Apr 2011|02:19am]

[ music | over you- daughtry ]

so i just wrote this whole fucking things to vent and thanks to this fucking website it deleted but im still needing to vent so here i am trying to recant on what my thoughts were and what i needed to get out of my head because i cant sleep......theres too much in my head and its just not working out for me right now......i dont understand how i get myself into the situations that i do......everytime i think that things are good they just smack me in the face and say nope sorry fuck you fallon.....sooo when i wasnt looking for anyone i met someone back in august strictly on a fuck basis.....low n behold it turned into something way more then that n it was alot more then wat i was expecting we went months without speaking to eachother and then one day it was like we never left eachothers side like wtf is that alll about.....so i met dante new years eve he was the best thing that had happened to me in sooooo long but he has a traveling job so i never ever see him......while he was gone bj n i started like chillin more and more.....thing is he has an ex wife two kids to her a crazy baby mom who till last week he was still living with.....this bitch went nutz burned all his shit stole his car and kicked him out.....now hes been staying here even when im not here im not real sure how i feel about it but it was nice to have the company......i care about him but its just soooooo much to deal with soooo fast.....this crazy bitch decided to facebook me on some fake ass profile that she has are you fucking kidding me right now you are 35 years old and ur acting like a child......is it so hard to have a mature conversation with people these days.......it isnt my fault that he left u......its ur own damn crazy fault.......everyone knows that i dont deal with bullshit i fucking handle it and her ass is sooo lucky that she has a baby because if she didnt i would loveeeeee to fucking hit a bitch......and to top all this fucking shit dante is on leave and he wants to come here.......wtf am i supposed to do bj is practically living here and i cant just kick him out because he doesnt have anywhere at all to go.....even tho he says he does which i know that he doesnt.......hes been on the phone for almost two hours with this girl spilling his guts out to her......he doesnt talk to me like that at all......n he asked abbie if she was serious about watchin his kids.....then she was like how do you feel about him living here.....it was wayyyyyy to much on my head i can barely take care of myself let alone a guy and his three kids that just complete madness......no person in their right mind would think that this is gonna work out for the better.....n i think my tat artist was right when he said that he sounds like a user.....i kno he isnt i mean hes a great guy n great father but im still young i wanna eventually get married and have kids but he said hes all done with that so what is left for me and why the fuck am doing this to myself.......this shit always follows me this drama isnt even mine for once.......i just want it squashed and i am sooooooo fucking sick of hearing about it the drama wasnt supposed to be gone with high school and college but thats not the case at all.......i just wanted out of morgantown out of this god forsaken town and away from these fucking people i cant fucking handle it......im drowning and i cant find myself.......it seems like writing here and making videos is the only thing that keeps me sane in situations like these......why is that.....why am i always the person that needs to vent to the extreme.......im not sure if thats even a bad thing i guess its better that i vent instead of bash heads.......i just want someone to love me unconditionally! is there anyone out there like that because i beginning to think that its all a dream one huge misconception......there is no true love only lust.....and everyones out there just to get a nut.........am i becoming one of those people? you bet better to join that crew then be hurt right.....i dont think that my heart can take anymore breaking......actually i have realized that when things bother me now i dont cry nearly as much as i used to its kinda like im numb to the pain now......pain< i love pain it helps me cope cope< does anyone even understand the meaning of cope nope they just move on n keep moving on one right after another and now i am sittin here like damn i just wasted all this fucking time and put all this fucking effort into sumthing that wasnt even worth it.........yup there i go again caring to much where it doesnt need to be like that.......for this moment on i seriously need to think about me and get me right because ive been so caught up in all the drama and bullshit in life that i dont even know what makes me happy.......what is being happy< you know what i think it is MONEY fucking money makes the world go round.......i am soooooooooo fucking over it! yup over it sooooo over it. being sane is so far out of reach........so much in my head its just a big cluster fuck of sounds n thoughts.......i just wish to god there really was an easy way out but i know deep in my heart that there isnt n no matter what happens in this part of my life that in one way or another its gonna hurt.....i always care too much.... always its becoming a serious problemm......you kno i look back at some of the things that i used to write about and some things that i thought were soooo fucking serious at that time were simple compared to now......god if only i knew how this was gonna be how my life was gonna be so fucked up i wouldnt have tried to commit suicide all those times before.......hell i was just a kid dealing with kid shit......now im an adult dealing with everything else alone......its a completely different world.......life wat is it really we live to die!!!! WE LIVE TO DIE

living is lasting in a world full of hate~ [06 Apr 2009|10:49pm]

[ mood | depressed ]

[ music | fall for anything-the script ]

i dont really know where to start with this.........sooooooo much has happened within the past couple months......erik n i dont speak ren n i dont speak trav n i def dont speak.......at this point in my life ive decided that the best thing for me is to be with vlad. he really is the only one that really makes my heart flutter. like he truly is one of my best friends and i absolutely love his family. my mom loves him and i just feel like it would be much easier if we were together and happy about it. I have been spending alot of time with him as of late and we have been stayin together CUDDLING!! I just love laying next to him. When he kisses me i just smile and it makes me feel like im on top the world. Ive been going thru some shit with him tho. Like he was fuckin with some freshman bitch.....ya that went well let me tell u. I busted her fuckin friend in the damn fuckin face. Hopefully he is over her and he can start preparing to be with me. he is still so mad about what i did to him with tarik but i swear it wouldnt happen again.....hes been the only one ive had sex with for a while now. I am so proud of myself for that. I wish he would finally see that he really is the only one that i want. maybe he will soon!!!! hopefully!!!! other then that i mean school is ok im stayin here over the summer....that should be interesting. simba is going to be living with me. Ive been having my mental breakdown moments. Tarik said somethin to me the other day....i told him i wanted to leave wvu bc ppl talk n all this shit....he said fallon if ppl see what i see they would never think bad of you ever....he said i was a good person and that i deserved better then how vlad was treating me. he said that i was going to continue to get hurt over n over again bc vlad knows that ill always be there for him. which i think he hit that right on the head. he said when are u gonna say enough is enough.....i thought about it but i just cant do it.....i cant walk away from him i love him tooo much!!! even matt said why do you wanna be with someone that treats u like that HAHA wtf he never cared before now all the sudden he cares about y im depressed n what im wearing.....OH SHIT n to top it off he wants to marry that dumb ass bitch UGH fuck that they havent even been together a year. My back piece is finished and im so glad.....there is a reason i didnt have cancer so im gonna try to find out why im supposed to be here. There comes a time in life where surely things have to go right......im hoping that time is soon. I want to be with him so bad that would make my life a whole lot better then it is.........i still cry myself to sleep and i still wish i could fly away but im tryin im tryin to be a better person...... Don’t keep yourself away Don’t live your life that way Of course he’s gonna say anything you want Then leave quicker than he came now you got yourself to blame Don’t put yourself back in the fire again It’s the same damn things you’re so quick to believe You do it over and over again And it’s the same mistakes that I’m watching you make You do it over and over again So before they bring you down You’ve gotta stand for something or you’ll fall for anything Fall for anything You’ve gotta stand for something or you’ll fall for anything Fall for anything Cause they’ll bring you down, down, down x4 Oh, please don’t be so naïve Don’t wait ‘till your heart bleeds Love wasn’t built for speed, listen to me girl He keeps fuckin’ with your head, tryna get you into bed And in the morning you’ll just hate yourself It’s the same damn things you’re so quick to believe You do it over and over again And it’s the same mistakes that I’m watching you make You do it over and over again So before they bring you down You’ve gotta stand for something or you’ll fall for anything Fall for anything You’ve gotta stand for something or you’ll fall for anything Fall for anything Cause they’ll bring you down, down, down x4 And you give until there’s nothing to give Until there’s nothing to give Until there’s nothing to give x3 Before they bring you down You’ve gotta stand for something or you’ll fall for anything Fall for anything You’ve gotta stand for something or you’ll fall for everything Fall for anything You’ve gotta stand for something or you’ll fall for anything Fall for anything You’ve gotta stand for something or you’ll fall for anything Fall for anything Before they break you down, down, down Cause girl they’ll bring you down, down, down Cause they’ll bring you down, down, down Cause they’ll bring you down, down, down

and i waited my whole life-----for this one night............ [18 Oct 2008|01:21pm]

[ mood | lonely ]

[ music | always be my baby~ ]

well since the last time i used this some things are still the same. erik and i arent really as close as we were. he did drugs again and i just guessed and find out myself....god idk maybe i really am one of the only ppl that dont do shit like that anymore. is it really too much for me to ask of sumone...anyway im majoring in history now. im gonna try to graduate over the summer and come back to go to grad school and still somehow end up teaching. i met alot of boys at school this year, kim n i met this boy ren at the rec. he is like state boxing champ. i kno i said that i would never date a boxer again but who knows he really is so nice and he is cute. we both like ufc and stuff like that. trav is the other one. oh god hes the guy from freshman year that i made out with on my bday well ya he was at my house. i have to admit i have done alot of stupid shit lately. most of which i regret some of it i dont n i will never. shits crazy tho. i dont really know what i am gonna do or how i feel about certain things. i have been waiting to come see erik for such a long time and now that i am here im not so sure that i should be. it seems like he wants this serious just me n him type of forever love that i dont think im ready to give him. i mean i really do love him but am i ready to answer to someone again? no n i dont think that i will be for a really long time. he woke me up while i was sleeping last night to ask me if i ever cheated on him......hello he is acting just like matt.......i cant go down that road again....... cant and wont. i guess we will see. i am supposed to meet his sister and see that baby tomoro so if that goes well who knows what will happen. i still havent met his dad. i have been here how many times and still did i meet him nope........then this morning we were walking out the store and for some reason he saw someone he knew and we had to go out the other door because he didnt want her to either see him or me with him......wtf still havent found that out but idk about that either......he says that there isnt someone here for him but i mean think about it......would i be hurt if he was with someone yes i would but maybe he should be he said that he really doesnt talk to neone here......maybe the truth of the matter is that he shouldve never left wv for that slut well thats only my opinion but its true.......if he didnt leave we would be together i wouldnt be lonely because he would be there and i wouldnt be with these other guys because i would have him........let why does stupid gay ass shit always happen to me like that.

on another note......simba is getting so big and boombas is still getting skinny.....i dont kno what i am going to do about that.....it makes me sad just to think about it. but ive decided that since i dont like white boys then i really dont thiink that i am going to get married or have kids......my family well just gram n pap hate me with neone who isnt white but i cant help it thats not what i like or what i want.....anyway i think i said enough but i really do like ren and he is soooooo sweet but erik?! what the fuck am i gonna do...i thought this trip would help me but it def. hasnt

http://www.mp3lyrics.org/cZcV

It's a shame that it
had to be this way
It's not enough to say I'm sorry
It's not enough to say I'm sorry

Maybe I'm to blame
Or maybe we're the same
But either way I can't breathe
Either way I can't breathe

All I had to say is goodbye
We're better off this way
We're better off this way

I'm alive but I'm
losing all my drive
Cause everything we've been through
And everything about you
Seemed to be a lie
A guiltless twisted lie
It made me learn to hate you
Or hate myself for
letting it pass by

All I had to say is goodbye
Were better off this way
Were better off this way
All I had to say is goodbye
We're better off this way
We're better off this way

And every, everything isn't only
What it seems so hold these
Words that you never told me
It's time to say goodbye
It's time to say goodbye
It's time to say goodbye Goodbye

Bye

Take my pain away
Spell it out
Tell me I was wrong
Tell me I was wrong

Take my pain away
Spell it out
Tell me I was wrong
Tell me I was wrong

Take my pain away
Spell it out
Tell me I was wrong
Tell me I was wrong

resorted to venting here~ [19 Jul 2008|05:19pm]

[ mood | lonely ]

[ music | crossfade-cold ]

so i havent actually needed to use this site forever until now. i was lookin back at all the times that i used this thing and all of them are because i was depressed or sumthing crazy was going on in my life.so of course that brings me to why i am writing here now. well from the last time that i wrote tarik was leaving. ya he left and i was sad. he came back in feb. erik did too. i dont really talk to tarik that much anymore bc now he has a gf who is only 18 wtf........erik and i have gotten really close as of late. matt n i dont even speak to eachother anymore. shit is just crazy rite now. well erik came to visit me in the middle of june. everyone loved him. he fit in with everyone. i got a new puppy. dad didnt want it. he freaked out and shit hit the fan so i was living down at grams. erik said that he was gonna go to the beach with me. i drove to jerz to get him. i spent the 4th with him and then we left for the beach the next day. we got back last saturday. i stayed at grams bc i missed simba and then i start getting bitched at about working next week. blah blah blah so they were bitchin at me about when i was takin erik home and all this shit. so i ended up taking him home on monday when i was supposed to take him on tuesday. i spent the night at his place. i left tuesday night. i ended up stoppin at vlads and stayed there till wed morning. so i went to work and mom said is everything ok i was like ya why she was like well i need to talk to u when ur off. so i came to my house and she was sayin how my gram n pap were bitchin at her for being a bad parent this n that all this bullshit. anyway i went down to my grams n i was swimmin with aunt connie n brit when i heard pap talkin to sumone in the garage he didnt kno i was listening and i heard him running me and erik down saying the N word a million times talking to lovely aunt mare. i was like fuck this shit......i tore out of there and went over to the school histerical well mom was pissed at how they acted. i went over to aunt kimmys to talk to aunt carol.....she calmed me down for a lil bit.i cried and cired forever. jen me n mom went to chilis and had a drink later that night. i stayed at home for the first time in forever. i had like a billion missed called from my gram. thursday at work was weird gram i guess thought that everything was going to be ok when it def wasnt i hate this shit. i left work bc she started to preach at me about erik n put it this way i dont like white guys anymore they are either going to accept it or i wont be in there life. so i came home and decided to go to the drive in with ashton and all them to see hancock the hulk and batman. it was fun. i ended up stayin there that night then yesterday morning went to work and then left b4 gram could yell. went to aunt kimmys to swim alil then went to jtown with mom. went to the pony last night with jen........damn thank god we went. i met some hott boys last night and they are gonna be there tonight hopefully. so today i went down to see simba bc i missed him soooo much. well gram came and talked to me in the garage and then pap tried to .......he went back to screaming at me and telling me i can be friends with erik but nothing more.........who the hell does he think he is talking to. certainly not me no one is going to tell me who i can and cannot be with. thats fucking crazy talk then he was bitchin about my lil wayne cd HAHAHA like im gonna stop listening to that. so i tore out of there and left. i tried but obviously he is never gonna change how he feels and im not gonna change either. that just how i am and how i feel. i dunno i guess just alot of things have been goin on. i didnt get into the education program at skool so now i have no idea what i am going to do with my life. and boombas is getting skinnier everyday. ughhh i know when that day comes im gonna die. i dont know what i am going to do. i am so lost and alone right now. i feel like i dont belong newhere. im just really depressed.

what i really meant to say
is im sorry for the way
i am------------crossfade

My heart is already missing you and your not even gone!~ [06 Dec 2007|02:32am]

[ mood | sad ]

[ music | Everything I do~Bryan Adams ]

It has literally been forever since i felt the need to write here......I needed to do something about the way i am feeling right now. Things have been flying around a loop lately. I became very close friends with someone that i have known since fresh yr. I hang out with him n start to like him. now we are amazing friends. I come to find out that after next week he isnt coming back to WVU. OMG like what do i do.....i dont know what to do. I care about him soooooooooo soooooo much. like its been hurting my heart ever since i found this out and now that it is getting down to the days.......i cant take it nemore. i have been crying and crying. like i just want to spend all this time with him so he doesnt have to leave. I dont want him to go at all. i am going to miss him more then nething in the world. I was ok with WVU this year now its going to go back to the same damn bullshit. I wish i was not a caring and emotional person. He asked me to take him to the airport next wednesday. I want to sooo bad because i know that thats the official last time i will see him but ya if you know me then you know im gonna be bawling my eyes out and be a disaster. God i guess i maybe do love him. I never expected to get this hurt by him leaving me. I feel like he is just gonna forget about me though and I cant fucking deal with that shit. OMG wat would i do if he did forget about me......i guess that i couldnt do much of nething. i dont think people are going to understand how i am feeling. They dont know how are relationship is. god i really am going to b a mess. a true mess. on another note if fucked snowed soooo much today. i didnt make it to ne of my classes except sped for a test that i def failed o well i dont even care nemore. tomorrow the only class that i have is art and then ill b done as of 1045............but then i think im hanging with tarik then driving home. Mom is coming down friday and saturday i think i am going to robinson mall with kim. sunday hopefully skiing. monday stat final   wednesday math final then taking tarik to the airport ughhhhhhhhhh if anyone cares about me i think u may want to call me that nite to make sure im ok. Thursday i just have to show up at bio and then turn in my art final. but ya that looks like wats goin on.    i feel so bad for vlad because of all this shit thats going on but i told him that i need time with tarik rite now considering vlad only lives 2hours away from me that is driveable but jersey city is completely different my friends  but i guarantee i will drive to see him either over spring break or summer. but ya i do feel really bad. he isnt a bad guy i am just having to deal with tarik and all my emotions and ughhhh i dont know i guess if he cares about me he will understand this whole thing. i kinda wish that i did.   o well    its another one of those shitty parts in my life where i am gonna have to drag my ass out of it and straighten up. Im prayin that i dont lose touch with him! i do love him and he is my best friend down here.

Look into my eyes - you will see
What you mean to me
Search your heart - search your soul
And when you find me there you'll search no more

Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
You can't tell me it's not worth dyin' for
You know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you

Look into my heart - you will find
There's nothin' there to hide
Take me as I am - take my life
I would give it all - I would sacrifice

Don't tell me it's not worth fightin' for
I can't help it - there's nothin' I want more
Ya know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you

There's no love - like your love
And no other - could give more love
There's nowhere - unless you're there
All the time - all the way

Oh - you can't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
I can't help it - there's nothin' I want more
I would fight for you - I'd lie for you
Walk the wire for you - ya I'd die for you

Ya know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you

so 6 days till tarik leaves
     8 days till xmas break starts
   19 days till xmas

my tongue is in pain!~ [07 Mar 2007|08:03pm]

[ mood | pessimistic ]

[ music | march madness song ]

so heres the thing..............................starting thursday of last week i have been travelling thru hell. I like to b a friend to everyone and yet i found that i only gets me into trouble.........then i end up being concerned then get yelled at for caring. Friday i went to the mall......UGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! i freakin love american eagle rite not nemore.........i went to buy a pair of pants n who do i magically see..........ya her AHHHHHHHHHH!!!! neway i ran into mishy n tofa while i was in there n they asked wat i was doin later........i went to eat n park..........lost my drivers license.....went for a drive...........ya "driving" makes me feel better.........came home cried for a while...........saturday was mostly driving around with mom bc my car was getting fixed.........we went n took pictures of the new addition of our family..........then we went to somerset to get some things...............got bac picked up my car and went for another drive........once again that always makes me feel better.............then went to grams n cried to her for a while.......i spent the rest of the nite at my house all by my lonesome! that sucked really bad bc it just made me cry even more. well i was visited n then left alone again. mom came home and talked......sunday i went to jtown got some stuff for skool and then made the miserable trip back here.......did really do much monday.....i finally went to my 830 class n then history.....had another one of many drs appts......mom n pap came down to bring my car n we went to olive garden to eat..........then yesterday got my sped test back pulled a B i was pretty proud of that...........went to english n did nothing........that class is such a waste of my time...........went to uniontown to see if i could get my license.......ended up getting another piercings and the came back to study physics with kim...........we studyin for awhile............i woke up to 3 feet of snow outside and classes werent cancelled..............then i find that no matter wat the weather is like we have to get to physics somehow........well i made it alive thank god probably failed the test but neway i went for ice cream with kim since i cant really eat nething.......then went grocery shoppin.........now here i sit watchin march madness and rite now dub v is winning against providence by 10 YAY.........i have 2 papers to rite sometime tonite then sleepin after that...............ugh its been such a rough week but 5days till im 20 woooohoooo!!!!
n j-tizzle in 12 days

I found the phone
I musta missed your message
You got it wrong
It wasn't what your friends said
Tell by your tone, I've taken it too far again
Just when I thought I'd gone and fixed it all again

Your friends are telling me your trying to move on
Just when I thought I'd gone and wrecked it all again
You turned around so I could tell ya what took so long
I don't know why I ever waited
Just to say-e-ay!
Because I'm dying just to say it

Instead of holding you
I was holding out
I shoulda let you in
But I let you down
You were the first to give
I was the first to ask
Now I'm in second place
To get a second chance

I should've known
That you were not for granted
Gotta let you know
I was never underhanded
Tell by your tone, I've taken it too far again
Just when I thought I'd gone and fixed it all again

Well friends are telling me they saw you with someone
Just when I thought I'd gone and wrecked it all again
You turned around so I could tell ya what took so long
I don't know why I ever waited
Just to say-e-ay!
Because I'm dying just to say it

Instead of holding you
I was holding out
I shoulda let you in
But I let you down
You were the first to give
I was the first to ask
Now I'm in second place
To get a second chance

The last mistake
Putting my friends first
I tried to laugh it off
But I made things worse
You were the first to give
I was the first to ask
Now I'm in second place
To get a second chance

What you give is always what you get
But there's so much I haven't given yet
If you can give another second chance
Just when I thought I'd gone and fixed it all again

My friends are telling me they saw you with someone
Just when I thought I'd gone and wrecked it all again
You turned around so I could tell ya what took so long
I don't know why I ever waited
Just to say-e-ay!
Because I'm dying just to say it

Instead of holding you
I was holding out
I should've let you in
But I let you down
You were the first to give
I was the first to ask
Now I'm in second place
To get a second chance

The last mistake
Putting my friends first
I tried to laugh it off
But I made things worse
You were the first to give
I was the first to ask
Now I'm in second place
To get a second chance

Instead of holding you
I was holding out [Second chance]
I shoulda let you in
But I let you down [Second chance]
You were the first to give
I was the first to check [Second chance]
Now I'm in second place
To get a second chance

great song.............im glad the radio did not get ahold of it yet!

long ass mother freakin day!~**** [28 Feb 2007|12:45am]

[ mood | drained ]

[ music | Faber Drive - Second Chance ]

well yesterday and today have been so freakin busy........i barely had time to do nething.........yesterday physics pretty much ruled my life......last nite i was workin on my special ed study guide till like 4 in the morning then to top that all off i woke up at 6 n couldnt fall asleep.........today i had to type my damn english paper n then get freakin carpol tunnel lol if thats how u spell it from my damn special ed test that took like 6 pages of essays to finish the test.........i went to english that lasted like 25mins then came back n cleaned up alil bit..........after i went to kims to watch the damn backyard brawl..........Y THE HELL DO I DO THAT TO MYSELF............pitt kicked r ass again....UGHHHHHHH eat shit ~~pitt!~~ after that i went to the rec with kim......felt really good about myself actually and then we went swimmin..........i did a couple laps which felt even better...............i wish this damn week was over!!! i miss you so much.........u are my everything i wish u would just see that for me!!!

When the road gets dark
And you can no longer see
Just let my love throw a spark, baby
Have a little faith in me

When the tears you cry
Are all you can believe
Just give these loving arms a try, baby
Have a little faith in me

Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me

When your secret heart
Cannot speak so *easily*
Come here darlin'
From a whisper start
To have a little faith in me

When your back's against the wall
Just turn around, you will see
I will catch ya, I will catch your fall
Just have a little faith in me

Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me

Well, I've been loving you for such a long, long time baby
Expecting nothing in return
Just for you to have a little faith in me
You see time, time is our friend *for you and me*
Cause for us there is no end
All you gotta do is have a little faith in me
I said I will hold you up, I will hold you up
Your strength gives me enough
So have a little faith in me
Hey baby, oh, baby
All ya gotta do is have a little faith in me
All ya gotta do is have a little faith in me
A little faith in me

hating life~ [19 Feb 2007|05:03pm]

[ mood | busy ]

[ music | my sacrifice- creed ]

well i shall start by saying that im soooo glad valentines day is over........i have never been so depressed about valentines day in my entire life. I was so alone. anyway nothing has been the same in such a long time. i went skiing with kim on vday to boycott how shitty the whole day made me feel. Friday was the first day in a long time that i got a call that made me smile. although it was only for like 2mins it made my day a whole lot better. I ate at the olive garden with my cousin. Saturday went skiing.........spent the rest of the nite in the ER and yesterday did nothing but get yelled at. I did however get another call that lasted maybe 3mins this time and it made me happy. Then i come back to skool today and want to thro up because of messages left on myspace. If she isnt goin to upj I HOPE TO GOD SHE ISNT GONNA BE CLOSER TO YOU!!!! thats all i need in my life is to think about u both together all the damn time instead of just on the weekends........just the weekends are killin me i couldnt imagine nething else. neway i have so much work to do tonite and i dont want to do ne of it. i cant stop thinkin of you. Your all i freakin think about all the damn time. I cant stop cryin and i cant move on Im just stuck in the middle.........i just wish to god you would realize that i do love you and only you and thats how it will be forever. I want to marry you one day. and nothing is going to mess that up! I love you so much!

Hello my friend we meet again
It’s been a while where should
we begin…feels like forever
Within my heart are memories
Of perfect love that you gave to me
I remember

When you are with me
I’m free…I’m careless…I believe
Above all the others we’ll fly
This brings tears to my eyes
My sacrifice

We’ve seen our share of ups and downs
Oh how quickly life can turn around in
an instant
It feels so good to reunite
Within yourself and within your mind
Let’s find peace there

When you are with me
I’m free…I’m careless…I believe
Above all the others we’ll fly
This brings tears to my eyes
My sacrifice

I just want to say hello again

why do i still miss you like crazy!!~ [07 Feb 2007|12:42am]

[ mood | drained ]

[ music | Sam Cook- Cupid ]

i really am not sure what the hell is going on anymore.............my life is way outta control and i dont have anywhere else to turn. Sunday i came back to my apartment n much to my surprise NO COUCH say what??? ya it was gone n im never getting it back. I am however getting harassment charges filed against me. How wonderful is that?? I went skiing over the weekend and it was fabulous......cold but fabulous. I just had a really bad 3 days lately........n to top it all off.........im still not the "one" for him. I dont know wat else to do. I tried to fix everything that was wrong and obviously that wasnt good enough........I MISS HIM MORE THEN LIFE ITSELF!!!! well i have a physics test tomorrow thats probably gonna kick my ass and the pitt game is tomorrow nite!!! EAT SHIT PITT hell ya...........n i have a huge powerpoint due on thursday n i have to study for another psyc test. im just in way over my head.....n guess what one thing in the entire world would fix it........well actually 2 but 1 i would REALLY love. oh n guess what is next week. The worst day of my life.........VALENTINES DAY.....ya absolutely going to be a mess on that day i wish i wouldnt even have to wake up that day.....lets just skip it.......its the most depressing day ever! i dont even kno anymore.......im just so sad.......i want to stop crying and just mover on but there is no point moving on without ur life. because that is exactlly what it is .....MY LIFE but ya i wish that ppl would realize that im a changed person i really have changed everything! well thats about it im gonna go just lay in my bed and pray for the day that you will be mine again! i miss u more then nething n i wish u felt the same!!

Cupid, draw back your bow and let your arrow go
Straight to my lover's heart for me, for me
Cupid, please hear my cry and let your arrow fly
Straight to my lover's heart for me

Now, I don't mean to bother you but I'm in distress
There's danger of me losin' all of my happiness
For I love a girl who doesn't know I exist
And this you can fix

So, Cupid, draw back your bow and let your arrow go
Straight to my lover's heart for me, nobody but me
Cupid, please hear my cry and let your arrow fly
Straight to my lover's heart for me

Now, Cupid if your arrow make a love storm for me
I promise I will love her until eternity
I know between the two of us her heart we can steal
Help me if you will

So, Cupid, draw back your bow and let your arrow go
Straight to my lover's heart for me, nobody but me
Cupid, please hear my cry and let your arrow fly
Straight to my lover's heart for me

Now, Cupid, don't you hear me
Callin' you, I need you
Cupid, help me

whats good for you is bad for me!! [28 Jan 2007|10:20pm]

[ mood | depressed ]

[ music | Motion city soundtrack- lets get fucked up and die ]

so ya.........life still is shitty as hell........im still cryin n dying everything is so damn messed up......i do what i can and whatever is asked of me and ppl still think that I am lying about everything........good thing is that mom said i can get the scion either XB or TC either one is great with me.............ahhhhhh i wish i could just go on an extended vacation rite now.........still flippin around the idea that i could go to skool in NC hmmmmmm tempting.........also i have to get surgery in 2 weeks so ya thats not good news,,,,,,,i heard alot of great music lately....n thats about alll thats goin on rite now... Im sorry im not wat makes you happy :'(

I like where we are,
When we drive, in your car
I like where we are.... Here

Cause our lips, can touch
And our cheeks, can brush
Our lips can touch here

Well, you are the one, the one that lies close to me
Whisper's "Hello, I miss you quite terribly"
I fell in love, in love with you suddenly
Now there's no place else I could be but here in your arms

I like where you sleep,
When you sleep, next to me.
I like where you sleep... here

Our lips, can touch
And our cheeks, can brush
Our lips can touch here

Well, you are the one, the one that lies close to me
Whisper's "Hello, I miss you quite terribly"
I fell in love, in love with you suddenly
Now there's no place else I could be but here in your arms

Our lips, can touch
Our lips, can touch...here

You are the one the one that lies close to me
Whisper's "Hello, I miss you quite terribly"
I fell in love, in love with you suddenly
Now there's no place else I could be but here in your

You are the one the one that lies close to me
Whisper's hello I miss you, I miss you
I fell in love, in love with you suddenly
Now there's no place else I could be but here in your arms

Here in your arms.
Here in your arms.

i cant take the pain nemore! [11 Dec 2006|12:57pm]

[ mood | rejected ]

[ music | fear factor theme music ]

i thought that i was going to be ok............after all i survived one of the worst things ever in my life..........i have yet to sleep without crying........i have yet to go thru a day without my eyes being dark and swollen........i cant believe how i feel right now......dont wish this feeling on anyone........i shall start this by saying it took kristen n i over 3 hours to get home on thursday...........friday i taught at my elementary school and then went to the boys bball game......fuckin windber we so had that game.........neway saturday i went shoppin with mama sieta then to greensburg.........found 2 potentially great cars for me........2003 eclipse only 13,000 miles or a 2004 tiburon AHHHH fuck ya only 3,000 miles.........i could not be so siked about this........well i guess thats the only thing that is going semi ok in my life...........my life is shit other then that........i tried to b nice n get xmas presents just out of the kindness of my heart and then bam BAM i get smacked in the face bc "thats a bitch thing to do n its not gonna get me back" duh i wasnt tryin for that neway...........so yesterday i was in altoona all fuckin day tryin to finish all my xmas shoppin............UGHHHHHH i hate ~~ALTOONA!~~ Everytime i think about it i want to throw up!!!!! i hate being here..........i hate the freakin internet.......all it does is cause fuckin problems.......i think i would rather not kno a damn thing then have everything thrown rite in my face!! it hurts me so bad........i feel like i am sitting in the middle of a room chained down while everyone is staring and im screaming so loud and so hard and crying and chokin and no one cares everyone that i kno and see around me is laughin and sayin this is exactlly what you deserve.....well i kno i do to some extent but LOVE ya thats what i feel LIFE is what you took away from me when DONT LOVE came into the picture i dont really kno what to do........i want to die and run away FAR AWAY because everything that i knew n had in my life is GONE.........n its all MY fault..........i can't wait for school to be over.....finals are over as of wednesday at 5 then i can go home and cry myself to sleep there instead of here.......sounds better rite...... all i know is that i am dying slowly inside because my life is over n gone............nothing will ever be the same until it is back to the way it was before which ya like i said nothing will ever be the same......

What does she have that i dont?.......the only thing i can think of is you!

11 Days till Xmas! wish i could say i was happy about that!!!!!

I feel so alone again.
I know that I need You
to help me make it through the night
And I pray that You believe in me.
You gave me my strength
to face another day alone.

I need You now my friend
more than You know.
When will we meet again?
'Cause I can't let go of You.

This world brings me down again.
I know that I need You
to help me make it through the night.
And I know that You're the one for me.
You gave me my strength
to face another day
and I know

I need You now my friend
more than You know.
When will we meet again?
'Cause I can't let go.
I can't let go.

As time passes by I find
things never seem to change.
When I feel alone
You bring me back to You.

And I need You now my friend
more than You know.
When will we meet again?
'Cause I can't let go of You.
No, I can't let go.

God send me an angel
From the heavens above
Send me an angel to heal my broken heart
From being in love
'Cause all I do is cry
God send me an angel
To wipe the tears from my eyes

[06 Dec 2006|09:22pm]

i want to die everything i do is never good enough........everything i want is gone........everything i love is GONE i just want my life to b back the way it was when i was happy........HAPPY god just let it be back to the way it was please please help me!!!

recovering................. [04 Dec 2006|08:47pm]

[ mood | sore ]

[ music | every rose has its thorn ]

well i guess now i will stick my foot in my mouth.........friday was hell on earth. i was driving home from skool in the bad weather and called my mom to tell her i was gonna b alil late bc it was raining so hard........i was driving behind a truck and beside a truck....the water from the tires came on my car and i slowed down to get out of their way.......when i slowed down my car started to spin....i went to the right spun around then went the whole way to the left rolled and flipped nose over end twice and landed in the ditch........trashed my car and hurt myself pretty bad......if i wouldnt have had my seat belt on i wouldve died......i spent all weekend in ruby hospital in morgantown which after the week i had last week i just wanted to be home n not in morgantown.......they cut all my damn piercings out now i have to get them all over again!!! that pisses me off......neway i only have till thursday this week and then wednesday next week....i cannot wait till this damn semester is over.....i have had so many problems these past couple weeks.....i love him and he doesnt love me.....thats the main issue!!! Wednesday i need to go for my test....they are making me take millions of tests then whatever they find they are gonna scrape it freeze it or do surgery so this should be great. I should have my results next week but when i was in the doctors on friday the women told me that my cells were moderate to severe cancerous cells........what the hell am i supposed to do? i just wish i could go back to those days you were mine n i was happy! god i would give nething NETHING!!!! you know that i would y are you with her???? y her n not me?????

terrible horrible no good very bad day!! [30 Nov 2006|05:17pm]

[ mood | depressed ]

[ music | through the glass ]

i used to think that i felt the worst that i could possibly feel but of course i was wrong. never did i expect to have a woman tell me Honey ur results came back and your A cells are abnormal. There is a possibility that that could be cancerous.......no no no this cant happen......i was already so sad and depressed and she tells me all this shit like i dont kno wat to do about any of this. i feel so lost in my own life.......i have no control about nething.....n my best friend n only one who knows everything about me refuses to talk to me when i need it the most.........my life is so fucked up!!! ive been thinkin about tryin to get into a school in north carolina.......i have nothing to stay here for nemore.......i thought i did but i was WAY wrong......school sucks....boys suck.....everything else sucks..... i just dont have anywhere to turn! someone introduced me to this song and only now did i realize wat it actually was about

I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
Oh God it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever
Feels like I'm sitting all alone inside your head

How do you feel, that is the question
But I forget, you don't expect an easy answer
When something like a soul becomes initialized And folded up like paper dolls and little notes
You can't expect to bitter folks
And while you're outside looking in
Describing what you see
Remember what you're staring at is me

'Cause I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
All I know is that it feels like forever
When no one ever tells you that forever
Feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head

How much is real, so much to question
an epidemic of the mannequins
Contaminating everything
When thought came from the heart
It never did right from the start
Just listen to the noises
(No more sad voices)
Before you tell yourself
It's just a different scene
Remembering is just different from what you've seen

I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
And all I know is that it feels like forever
When no one ever tells you that forever
Feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head

And it's the stars
The stars that shine for you
And it's the stars
The stars that lie to you

I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
Oh God it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever
Feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head

'Cause I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
All I know is that it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever
Feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head

And it's the stars
The stars that shine for you
And it's the stars
The stars that lie to you

The stars
The stars that lie

ya so i am so out of it and have no where to go and no where to turn! please save me from this hell im living

stuck in a rut again~ [05 Oct 2006|02:27am]

[ mood | stressed ]

[ music | Hinder- By the Way ]

its been a very very long time since i wrote on her....maybe bc i finally had my life on track till not so long ago. School isnt as bad as wat it was last year. I had a horrible 2 weeks though because i have had a test in every class. Neway not much has changed......i found jarred online after years of time passing, trista is gonna have a baby and i couldnt be happier for her, adam is getting married, alot of my friends are engaged, and i have feelings for someone that its impossible. im sitting here again wondering how in the hell this has happened yet again in my life. He seemed to b the sweetest then i find out it was a lie too. Tony is in iraq. Havent talked to him in a while. Most of my friends quit college but yet im still here. ha ha. bitches thought i was gonna puss out no way in hell. i still have my depressing days from time to time but i make it thru with the help of mandy n shan. both the loves of my life!

been far away for far too long...... [06 Mar 2006|01:11am]

[ mood | awake ]

[ music | Magicstick- 50 cent ]

well it has been forever since i wrote on here. guess my life has been too busy n hectic. ummm to catch up on shit........skool is better im not failing out like before. Im not so fuckin depressed nemore so thats another plus. ummmmm matt n i well we have r ups n downs but we r managing....some people would like us to fail but no worries bc we will make it thru the worst shit. well.....my cousin is getting married n im her maid of honor....which is totally kool to me i guess. im glad she is happy! amber was home over break n we had a blast together....i miss her so much now......no other girls from good ole shade are speakin god only knows y but who really gives a shit NOT ME! neway, shade boys bball r going to state playoff....how fuckin awesome is that? love it! well spring break is next week n im totally pyched.....friday was a horrible nite....me n matt were in the mall n then manges came well we were walkin when i saw gene. gene walked past matt n manges n i thought they were gonna fight rite there......they didnt matt got pissed at me n was pretty mad all nite i cried for a really long time...........jason-jeremy-zack-mike all went bowlin friday there were a shit load of ppl everywhere.....my birthday is sunday n im gettin a new piercing woot woot!!!!! ha ha bitches want wat i am gettin......neway cant wait to spend time wit my baby!!!!!!!! i love matt i really do. i mean we have our fights but we get thru it.......he makes me smile like i never have before....its weird but i guess thats whats meant to be..........love him love him love him............4days till spring break 6 days till im 19 lol yay!!!

finals week over.....1st semester down.....xmas rite around the corner [14 Dec 2005|10:46pm]

[ mood | anxious ]

[ music | merry christmas happy holidays - nsync ]

so all this week seemed like it has been going on n on forever. Monday i got here around 4ish and went to the mall to get presents for steph leighann n sam. thats was definately harder then i thought that it was going to be. Tuesday morning i had my biology final. Ya that was sooooo freakin hard. Then after that I finished my literature report and then i felt so much better. So our wvu email has been down forever and i needed to send my professor an email askin her when i could drop my report off to her but there was no reply. so i sat around yesterday n i didnt really do that much.leighann sam n i exchanged presents.....that was fun. ummmm what else i dont think nething else happened yesterday oh i returned my books for sum money thats definately well needed. Today i had to get up at 7 to go to my last final which was poli sci..........ya i didnt even have to read the questions becuz i already failed the class. lol i guess that took some of the stress off of me. well i got back here around 9ish. i fell right asleep. here i didnt wake up until like 130. we went to eat lunch after that then i got a call from my mom. she was at the conemaugh valley game last nite and told me about dan pollino. i guess it got seriously hurt last nite. when she told me that i just wanted to cry. she said the color of his body was soooo blue. everyone there was freakin out. he is a really nice guys we have been friends for a couple years now i really dont want nething to happen to him. so after that i dropped my book n report off at the english department and she was really nice about it so that was a good thing. then i came back here n packed the rest of the nite. i still have some stuff to pack yet so i guess i better go do that. i am leaving here around 845 i guess or sumthin. hopefully it isnt bad until i get home but i definately dont see that happening.. I just am so excited to b home i cant wait to be with my baby!!!!!!

10 days till xmas!!!!

one more thing before i go.......... [12 Dec 2005|01:22am]

[ mood | blah ]

[ music | Santa Baby ]

all i really want to say is this..............i learned alot since thursday nite. i learned who cared n who didnt i learned who loved n who didnt n i learned who n wat i want for the rest of my life. I finally found what ive been looking for. it may not be perfect right now but in all do time it will be. GOOD THINGS COME TO THOSE THAT WAIT!!!!! WELL IM RIGHT HERE WAITING LOL IVE BEEN WAITING FOR MONTHS NOW!!!

13days till xmas!!!!!!

i am the most unlucky person in the whole world...let me xplain [11 Dec 2005|12:36pm]

[ mood | awake ]

[ music | whiskey lullaby - brad paisley ]

So.....after the gas tank froze wednesday nite......thursday comes along. we were supposed to get hammered with snow so i figured that i would leave early thursday nite. well i stopped to talk to a friend of mine n i locked my fucking keys in my car.........we called security the police almost all the towin places and no one could help. i had an extra key in my dorm but the roads were to bad to get there. so finally we get ahold of a guy he came n got them out for 30 bucks......that sucked bc that was part of xmas present money. then i found that i could stay there bc the ra freaked so i slept in my car........THAT SUCKED SO BAD!!!!!!!!! It was freezing. so after that i left around 330. i figured alot of shit out that day for sure. so my extended thanks goes out! then on the way home i talked to amber shaffer. SHE IS FINALLY HOME!!!!!!!!! I was sooooo excited to here that she was bac from mississippi n the air force so she wanted to hang out so me amber brett amber n alvin n even trista went bowling. wat a nite we had.... i took so many pictures. i was sooo happy to see her. i missed her so much and she talks so different lol. anyway brett n i tried to bowl the watermelon crawl n i fucked up my knee soooo bad. anyway........i got into a huge gynormous fight that nite.....that wasnt tooo fun. oh n i lost 1000 dollars by just 2 pins that also sucked a big one. i took pictures out the ass friday nite. it was great. i wished sam a happy birthday. lol yay for me for remembering. yesterday ahhh get this ADAM FREAKIN NOVAK REMEMBERED TO SEND ME A BRAD PAISLEY MESSAGE FROM THE CONCERT!!!!!!!!!!HOW GREAT ARE YOU ADAM!!!!!!!!!!! lol Whiskey lullaby even thats SWEET!!!!! Ill never forget that......so that was the highlight of my day....no thats a llie a car almost hit us the a snow piece hit the window n it scared the shit out of me. lol so that was another highlite lol alot of things happened that were funny yesterday. i have so much shit to do today n tonite. i dont even kno where the start. well i am goin to jtown with stef and then i dont kno wat i am doin since it is snowing again lol it always freakin snows....well love yall 14days till xmas!!!!!!!!!!!! 4 days till im home!!!!!!!

wat a nite i had tonite................ [08 Dec 2005|12:10am]

[ mood | chipper ]

[ music | all i want is you this xmas - nsync ]

i guess i shall start off about my shitacular day yesterday..........i go to my literature class n find out my prof. is sick n wont be in the rest of the week sooo that means i dont kno when my final paper is due. Anyway on my way out i decided to call my momma n see how much money i have in my account so i can finish XMAS shopping. Well she answered n said in this weird voice did u talk to neone from bac home? i said no ma y......she didnt say nething for awhile thats when i knew something was really wrong. she said that my cousins shannons house burnt down then she said that wasnt the worst part....i said wat is it n she said that her puppy was in the house n they couldnt get to him......i didnt kno wat to do. i mean i couldnt call her n just say sorry. i wanted to go home so bad. i guess they lost everything. this close to xmas i dont kno wat the hell they are going to do . anyway that wasnt the end of my great day yesterday so i get bac n get a call from my grams sayin my pap is sick n needs to go to the hospital n my uncle andy is in the hospital already. my family means so much to mean specially my gram n pap. Then last nite i got a virus on my freakin computer n it crashed i just wasnt having ne luck last nite. today was better tho i guess hmmmmm well some parts were good others were horrible. well this morning i had a huge argument and then i got a shitty grade on my education paper then i came home n sat here for a while. we to munch with nicki sam n leighann. then went out. so i had a great time when i was "out" with a friend.......we just hung out in the room but it funtastic......so i go to the gas station below the dorm n i cant get my tank open. then i went bac up to get help that didnt work so i decided to just pop it open with a screw driver last resort kinda thing. then i scratched the damn thing........ i was so mad.......i got bac here n ahhhh i just want to scream but other then my car my night was GREAT!!!! oh n one more thing i finally found wat i want and who i want................looks like the feeling is mutual tooo ha ha ha.........thats fantastic.......who knows things r getting better with everything. at least xmas vaca is coming and ill get to spend alot of time with my baby! things will work out god loves me....at least he saved me last week so hopefully everything will b perfect back home.......HOME IS MOST DEF WHERE THE HEART IS!!!!!!!!!!!!! love yall

ps i think my fishies name is chip lol n i think im namin my snail dip lol haha love my college girls thinkin of names like these

pps.....if neone knows this song please let me know........

I wanna buy these shoes for my momma please its xmas eve and these shoes are just her size so you gotta hurry sir daddy said theres not much time shes been sick for quite awhile but i know these shoes will make her smile when momma meets jesus tonite........

17 days till xmas

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